Fr. Steven's Strange View of Marital Love
I never forgot the time when I heard in a video the GOC priest Steven Allen state in a lecture on St. Ignatius Brianchaninov that he does not tell his wife that he loves her. This is classic narcissism. A narcissist will not tell his wife that the loves her. I felt sorry for his wife when I heard that. I was glad that someone in the audience challenged him on this, stating that his position was just an opinion. This registered with me that this man has a cold heart and is a damaged human being. Something in Fr. Steven’s life experience warped his perspective into believing that he is being a bad Christian if he tells his wife that he loves her. He actually believes that he is doing something wrong by telling his wife that he loves her. Father Steven's position reflects a cult mind-frame, not a Christian mind-frame. He is not in a cult, but I believe Old Calendarist groups sometimes exhibit cultic ways of thinking. His attitude is not Christian whatsoever. My advice is to tell your wife and children each day that you love them. Below is some of the information I saved when I was studying Christian counseling.
Wives submit to husbands...Husbands love your wives. (see Eph.5:22,23,25).
Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Eph. 5:33).
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; (Eph. 5:25).
Husbands should show affection to their wives. (Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6).
Offer love to your mate even when you don't feel like it. (see 1Cor.13:4-8).
Detached parents produce children that tend to be self-sufficient, emotionally hardened, rebellious, insecure, underachievers. (see 1Tim. 3:4)
Children of angry parents generally perceive God as harsh and filled with anger. (Col.3:8).
Husbands, don't be harsh with your wives. (Col.3:19)
When fathers are an example of expressing their feelings, their sons also become more expressive. (J.O. Balswick 1988, 101-19).
A Study of 426 young adults from intact families found that family expressiveness was positively associated with family strength and satisfaction, Structural traditionalism and conflict avoidance were inversely associated with both outcomes (Schrodt 2009, 171).
It is important to express to other family members the affection you feel. It assures them that they are lovable and encourages relationship bonding. (Balswick, The Family, p. 243).
Studies of infant development suggest that babies who do not receive expressions of love will be less able to receive or express love to others during their lifetimes. (ibid, p. 243). I suspect that this is probably why Fr. Steven holds his view. He probably did not receive adequate expressions of love as an infant.
People who fail to express themselves verbally are deprived of the deepest levels of intimacy that can be attained only through mutuality and reciprocity. (ibid 245).
"The fear of expressing love is partly a symptom of low self-esteem." (ibid, p. 246). Fr. Steven may have low self-esteem as well.
The most extensive problem for both boys and girls is the lack of a strong emotional bonding with their fathers (ibid, 248).
Men struggle with intimacy because they have not experienced warm relationships with their fathers (ibid, 248). Yes. I suspect that Fr. Steven probably did not have a warm relationship with his father.
A cool and distant father produces boys who, when they grow to manhood, find it difficult to share their feelings with others (Maccoby 1999).
When fathers are very expressive, so are their sons. Children deprived of trusting and caring relationships are hindered in the development of a mature and trusting relationship with God.